xxx

Back for more

2003-12-21T18:59:26Z

Look, I'm writing in my deceased journal!

Nothing is new.
I remembered I ♥ Morrissey and I still hate everything.

Happy holidays, hookers.

;)

2003-05-26T10:37:33Z

boo!

Happy birthday, Shriley Temple

2003-04-23T04:04:52Z

It's now officially my birthday.

YAY! (note sarcasm)

Girl School... cos my baby broke all the rulezzzzzzzzzz

2003-04-14T05:49:28Z

Son-of-a-bitch! I've trying to DL that Britney Fox song, "Girl School" for the past 909809 years because I must hear it RIGHT NOW and I'm in a que of 3 zillion people since nobody has the damn song. Why don't lots of people have it for me to easily DL? It's a really good song!!! When I used to hang out w/ Brooke and I'd dress up in my school girl outfits she'd sing it to me when we would be running around drunk in the city. Good retarded t.a.t.u. times, yo;P

Well, Priscilla the BAD DOG is 4 months old today (well technically yesterday, the 13th) She's losing teeth and growing teeth and running around and pissing and chewing on stuff. A piss factory and nothing to do w/ Patti Smith, heh. She's like that little boy from the Twilight Zone who was so cute and little but he was secretly evil and would send you to cartoon land or whatever if he felt like it so all the adults were scaded of him. Ok, she's not that bad but she's definitely going through her "destructive rockstar phase" haha. I can't wait for her DAD to come back from Montreal tomorrow and collect her;)

Jaime's been house sitting for this dude who's in Amsterdam smoking dope and getting hookers. Ok, I don't reality know what's he's doing there but I assume that everyone does there simply because you can. But anyway we've been hanging out there lately cos well we can but he comes back tomorrow so that kinda sucks, no more *party* pad. He has the best cable (well compared to my cable just about anything rulz) we watched this show all about eyeshadow today. A whole show about EYESHADOW, that amazes me more than the Saddam and sons playing cards. Who needs crack where there are shows about eyeshadow?

What would Lemmy do?

2003-04-12T08:41:35Z

This is
somethingI would dream up.

Just substitute the sex pistols for Saddam and sons and you have my graphic design portfolio. Only I'd make mine slicker looking;)

Another Friday night spent w/ my # 1 hooker. Years gone by... I'd say we've kicked some ass. Tee Hee. I'm tired time for bed I gotta reply to coments and such and I will but not tonight, forgive me my lovlies.

Once I had a love

2003-04-09T05:48:21Z

I just made a new icon. I am amused...

And now it's time for bed. Damn work.....grrrr.

Ok, so I'm wordy

2003-04-08T22:41:44Z

I stole this from peacockpunk and reindeer. Twice the thievin’ twice the fun...

What was the first record you owned?
Whatever the Olivia Newton John (newtron Bomb) record was w/ “Physical” on it

Is there a song that reminds you most of your childhood?
"I Love Rock n’ Roll” by Joan Jett. The cool bus driver Robyn Felice would let me and my #1 hooker (yes, i knew her back then!) blast it on the bus in kindergarten. BUT clueless me thought it was really called, “Hi Ho Rock n’ Roll” so when I was allowed to go to my mom’s league bowling night (once a year I could go w/ her the other thurs. nites i stayed home w/ my dad and watched benson) she gave me $ to play songs on the jukebox and I looked and looked for my HI HO ROCK N’ ROLL and I couldn’t find it and that made me v/ sad:(

If your life was a movie, what song would play over the following:
Opening credits:
"Monkey Man” by the Stones, that cool instrumental part before it kicks in is just built for a film.

Love Scene:
"Go- Go Dancer” by Bon Jovi on Crack hahhahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drving scene that consists mostly of flashbacks and love lost:
SLAYER- “Criminally Insane” WTF kind of question is that anyway? It seems like yer supposed to answer it w/ a Sheryl Crowe song or something.

I’m adding this one--->>>Crack Smoking Scene:
Oasis- the Masterplan or Ramones- Baby, I Love You (Phil Spector produced!)

Closing credits:
New York Dolls- “Human Being”

If applicable, name a song or concert that moved you to tears:
"In the Ghetto” by Elvis. Years ago I made Renée listen to it and I told her if it didn’t make her cry too then she had no heart and when didn’t cry I was so shocked and she said she could only cry to something related to the clash. aw!

Name an Album that is perfect all the way through - No filler, no bad stuff:
There are so many albums that are almost perfect (appetite for destruction) but they get ruined w/ one dumb song (paradise city..i HATE that song). The easy thing would be to pick a clash album but I won’t take the easy way out. Instead I’ll say Sinead O’ Connor- the Lion and the Cobra. I bet ya didn’t see that coming;P

Music you like that could be considered a guilty pleasure:
i really like jewel and i think she’s super hot as well!!!

If your music collection was about to go up in flames, which 5 CDs would you save?
1. The Clash- s/t
2. The Clash- Give ‘Em Enough Rope
3. The Clash- Sandinista!
4. The Clash- “London Calling” (they’re made the most perfect albums, I’m sorry!)
5. Sex Pistols- Never Mind the Bollocks (but in all honest i’d be lucky if i’d be able to find any of these in this theoretical fire since i’m so disorganized)

Is there a song that describes you or a situation so well that you could have written it?
”I Hate People” by the Anti-Nowhere League;P but if i were filling this out back in HS it would probably be pretty much any smiths or Morrissey song. Oh how sad was I?

Which underrated artist deserves more attention?
Wreckless Eric!!!

Has a song or artist changed your life in any way? If so, how?
Discovering the Sex Pistols in 8th grade pretty much effected the whole rest of my life up till now (for better or worse, heh)

What is your favourite soundtrack?
"Times Square" ... maybe? (i’m keeping reindeer’s answer cos it’s good I can’t come up w/ a better one.)

What is your all time favourite music video?
”Ballad of Jayne” by L.A. Guns... because a group of guys w/ dyed black hair is a v/ good thing:D tee hee!

Current favourite radio hit:
Lisa Marie Presley- “Lights Out” I hope her album is huge i am obsessed w/ her and would love to see her everywhere for a long long time.

Sunday night- terrorized shop rite w/ my #1 hooker

Monday- no work cos of the snow. Yay!

Today- if i was smart I would’ve gone to Weehawken.

...this is what I can an economy update;P

Yer no Vince Neil, dude!

2003-04-06T23:30:05Z

Ratt, or I should say Steven Pearcy playing Ratt songs was so bad. Those 1/2 in the grave hair metal bands are usually a guaranteed fun time but not this. It was a goddamn Frankenstein convention. Suck suck suck. They closed the ladies room so he could use it as his dressing room making an inconvenience for me. grrrrr. OK, when it comes to that I think it's safe to say yer rock n' roll dream is dead. But no he was still strutting around like he was somebody. I think when yer not famous anymore they should send you to a little 3 day intensive workshop so you know how to go back and be a civilian. Don't they do something like that when you get out of the military?

SO anyway. Since you couldn't use the bathroom there you had to go to the stripper bar next door. So yes, Friday night was my first time in a stripper bar EVER. Maybe that surprises some of you but it's the truth. I honestly don't know what I was expecting but whatever it was it wasn't what I got. I guess I thought it's be like a Motley Crue video or something. It wasn't. I guess I've seen too many Motley Crue videos:/

The chicks all had perfect Barbie doll looking bodies w/ orange tans but most of them looked like they got beaten in the face w/ a stick. I give any stripper chick credit though, I'd never be able to get up there and dance around to shitty rap music and alterna-rock and smile @ the scary Kenny Rogers dudes sitting @ the bar. But as Jaime said they probably smoke crack w/ Kenny Rogers out back in-between their sets. If they did though who could even blame them? Personally I think I'd be in the bathroom shooting up heroin before I went on. I'm sure there are better places than this one but like I said I don't have much besides my HBO documentaries and the Howard stern show to compare it to.

Jaime got mad drunk and I got abducted by the fake sopranos when I went on a walk to releave my boredom. This horrible guy asking me to feel his guns shot wounds. OK, 50 cent. The rest of the dudes and details aren't even worth mentioning. God, I don't even remembe rthe last time I had a fun weekend. Ugh. It's supposed to snow tomorrow. I hope it does. A lot. I don't wanna go to work. I don't wanna see the stalker. I just wanna be left alone by the whole world.

Zap the son of a bitch again

2003-03-30T16:01:19Z

Kinda like it in a coma
'Cause no one's ever gonna
Oh, make me come back to this... world again
Now I feel as if I'm floating away
I can't feel all the pressure
And I like it this way

It embarrasses me to relate to the G n’ R lyrics but I do. So shoot me w/ yer indie rock gun. Anyway I found my red and yellow Use Yer Illusion cd and it’s made me so happy. It takes me back to the summer of ’97 when I realized Gn’ R didn’t really suck and Brooke and I would drive around and listen to them while on our adventures. We had our rule that you had to listen to “Welcome to the Jungle” while driving through the Holland Tunnel into NYC. Yes, I know, that’s on Appetite, it’s a general Gn’R memory, ok.

SO I’ve been sick all weekend. Being sick sucks but I’m sure Ill be all better tomorrow for a fun week of work. Kill. Me . Now.

Mark is off on his tour so the dog is here till the middle of April. I love her but she is a mad woman, like Wendy O. Williams on crack or something, always ripping shit up. Her and the cat have wrestle-mania every night and I am paranoid somebody’s gonna get hurt but according to the vet it’s no big thing and the cat could get away from her if he wanted to. It’s odd cos they tumble around and chase each other but then they’ll sleep together and when she gets put in her change for her 5 min. time out he’ll come up and sit next to her and stick his paw in the slats. Who knows?

Oh god, look @ me sitting here writing about “the kids” like a soccer mom. That is so scary. I used to be interesting. What happened?

I am giving sitting on the computer needlessly for lent. Yes I am!!!

For my nerd files

2003-03-27T14:57:42Z

I'm not doing secret studies for the government, I SWARE! I'm just trying to see how you all see the things I design.

So lemme know!

View Poll: nerd studies

I have to play free hairstylist today but @ least I'll get to see my dog:) w00t!

Stiff

2003-03-26T10:09:09Z

Late @ night, when normal people are asleep I think about stupid stuff. OK, I think about TERRY CHIMES. That guy can say he's played w/ the clash, generation x, Hanoi rocks, black Sabbath, the bay city rollers (shut-up I like them), cowboys international (notable for the Keith levine association), London SS (just plain fucking cool), and lords of the new church and other but I only named the best of the lot.

And what does he do now? He treats people w/ back problems and he sez that it's more exciting then playing on stage. No offense to chiropractors but, come on!

A public service announcement w/out guitar

2003-03-26T05:15:30Z

Peace and love is here to stay
And now I can wake up and face the day
Happy happy happy all the time
Shock treatment, I'm doing fine.

Ah I love the Ramones. It's good to love. So many people on here seem so damn bitchy lately. Who knew ~~copy and pasting~~ reporting the "real" news (that the government/media/ailens and Santa Claus don't want to get out) in yer livejournal could make one so irritable? Raging against the machine is hard work, dude!!! And it's a proven fact that fighting w/ people on the Internet WILL end the war so keep @ it kids, keep @ it...

another fat idiot?

2003-03-24T04:48:23Z

I thought yesterday was gonna blow but it turned out awesome. I <3 Grizzly I am gonna miss him when he leaves. He is the opposite of a pussy in a world full-o-pussycats. I'm going to bed i have to get up way too early. I know only *one* of you understands it but my last post was the best post ever. I pat myself on the back dee dee ramone-style for being so damn funny.

what did micheal moore do @ the oscars? I didn't watch (why would i?) I suppose i could go look around if i really cared about him, but well.....

Every gimmick hungry yob digging gold from rock 'n' roll

2003-03-18T05:16:50Z

Here comes the war, orange terror alert, GOODTIMES!

Not that I’ve been sitting here really thinking about it since I have more immediate stuff biting me in the ass. Like my soon-to-be homeless boyfriend who has to start moving out this week. $200 worth of ads, the village voice, in the jersey papers and on-line and no serious leads. So it’s done, and it’s a shame, as well as a big giant pain in the ass:(

I watched the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame ceremony tonight. I taped it when it was on last night but then when I came home from work it was replaying on vh1 again (big surprise!) so I just sat and watched it (except for the v/ end cos I don’t care about the Police.) Ok, 1st off, I have to say I always thought the HOF was a total sham. It is about as Rock n’ Roll as say, George Bush and I hate when people speak of it w/ reverence and give it credit. They have gay high school rules and gay middle school voting. They’ll induct a whole band and leave out one member, they totally over look so many bands that mean so much in the history of rock n’ roll. How can anyone take it seriously? Yet people do.

Still, the Clash were there so they had my attention. I won’t write a 3000-word essay on my take on the whole thing (though I could) but I’ll just make a list of some of the things that struck me...

I fthere was a highlight it was Mick thanking Robin Banks (a.k.a Crocker) Robin Banks!!! Renee and me loved Robin Banks, he was like our punk rock Robin Hood, she even took her pen name from his. It made me so happy to know he and Mick are still friends. But it also made me sad when Mick said he was in Baghdad. Is that the “friend” of Mick’s who’s acting as the human shield then? Oh Robin:(

I never really cared for Tom Morello but I think he gave a great speech. He really understands the importance of the Clash and it was obvious he wasn’t just there presenting cos he was famous enough to be worthy.

I can’t believe how much I missed Topper! Admittedly, he is the member of the band who if there was a fire and I had to rescue everyone that I would carry out last on my back (although Joe would probably tell me to take Topper before him) I would even save Keith Levine first (but I used to have a strange obsession w/ Keith Levine) I knew Topper wasn’t @ the ceremony, I read it last week, but I missed him. (Of course I missed Joe but that’s another story...) Does anyone know why he really wasn’t there now? Maybe I missed Topper so much cos it meant you got a bigger dose of Terry Chimes. Don’t hate me guys, but Terry really seems like he has a stick up his ass or something. Maybe he was just nervous, I don’t know, but he just seemed like the not-too-cool math teacher that all the kids would have a go @. An easy target of uncoolness.

Speaking of cool now (not un cool) Paul is still so cool. Not young and hot now but older and suave. I also think it’s the longest I’ve ever heard Paul speak. I was struck too @ how much older everybody looks. I know I shouldn’t be, it’s been 27 years since they formed but still, I picture them a certain way in my head. It’s silly but I just do. No matter how many years go by I’ll have the image them in their pants w/ the zips. Ah, I like that image.

I should just end it now w/ the vision of nice zippy pants but I’m a ruiner so I’ll say one more, totally non-Clash related thing. I thought the stupidest part of the whole thing was Steven Tyler singing w/ AC/DC. There was no point to it. You could barely hear him, and when you could it sounded so wrong. The vh1 divas version of “You Shook Me All Night Long” came out better. Steven Tyler looked like a dancing girl on stage w/ the band, like someone just handed him a microphone by mistake.

And if you don’t agree w/ any or all of this, that is fine by me. I love everyone, I just happen to have my over razor tongued opinion on things and sometimes I take the time to write it down in here.

Careful w/ that ax, Eugene

2003-03-15T11:44:39Z

Well, I thought I secretly sorta liked Pink Floyd but I realized tonight that I must not. I think I was just enchanted by Syd Barrett's extreme hotness, haha. Anyway me and Mark went to see this Pink Floyd band. He actually likes that stuff a lot but I just figured it was something to do (*normal people* DO things, they don't sit home and bemoan their lot, I keep telling myself this...)

So yes something free to do (minus the guestlist annoyances and the Israeli cockbite manager that I wanted to fight w/ but Mark wouldn't let me). The band actually sounds awesome if yer into that sort of thing. That sort of thing being songs that consist of 2 minutes of singing and 20 minutes of weird noises. Weird noises, and me having to stand there and 9809809809 (that's about 098098098 more then were @ the place for vince neil on Monday) too many people= roll yer eyes city. Oh how bitchy am I????

So after the *psychedelic fun* I got to come back and see Priscilla and she rules, of course. Her snout is getting bigger and she's getting longer. Long and lean, a rock n' roll machine, hehe;P

Look @ some pictures now cos I feel like I'm so overly tired that I typing incoherently. So goodnight, good morning, whatever....

This picture might've been nice if she didn't duck her head down @ the last moment. Fool!

This is my coat i got last month that I wrote about that I love like it is my...um lover...

The dawg. She now sports a bandana...

Rock n' Roll Shield

2003-03-14T06:47:47Z

I just wanted to make an entry thanking shaniejones for posting her lovely Mick & Tony song. It was my official amusement of the day (even though I cannot make out anything Tony James is saying, Mick, however sings like a sweet songbird and I can understand all his parts, hee hee;) Mick Jones + Tony James + the Rolling Stones + Slade + star wars guitar sounds= goodtimes. And I sincerly hope Mick does not really intend to be human shield. He is such a slip of a man as it is what could his little body possiblly shield?!?!? Yes, yes, symbolic act, blah blah. But we need him here to sheild us from bad music! Frig the war.

I guess I've been taking a little break from live journal. Mainly cos I don't wanna make 98098098 entries about how my life sucks cos honestly I don't like my problems and I doubt any of you wanna read about them. It's not like anybody died or anything, I'll be back soon enough...

fuck you vince neil!!!

2003-03-08T01:54:16Z

Fuck you fuck fuck you cunt!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot see Vince Neil tonight cos it's sold out. The words "vince neil" and "sold-out" cannot possibly be in the same sentence. How can it be? It's like hearing Keef Richards joined Good Charlotte or something. It's not possible!

Grrrrrr. And even if I can go Monday it doesn't matter right now. It's Friday night/and I need a fight... Not Monday night. Monday nights are gay and I have to work till 8pm so that will be annoying. And I don't wanna sit @ the stoner bar for a nite of "nostalgic '80's" metal. Goddamn what a waste and Goddamn why does everything have to be such a friggin' production! Son-of-a-whore!!!! And besides all this I can't get into Def Leppard for free cos HE is going off on some faggot-ass tour now

Laugh yer life cos there ain't much to cry for

2003-03-04T22:06:59Z

YA know that part @ the end of "All the Young Punks (New Boots and Contacts) where Joe and Mick are singing things that for the life of me I have never been able to figure out in the 13 years I've been listening to the Clash? Well, that part of the song is all that keeps me from giving up on days like these. It doesn't matter what they're singing (though I wouldn't mind knowing;), it's the way they're singing it that gives you what you need, that feeling stands on it's own. Thank-you Mick and Joe, (and Paul and Topper too)

I'm gonna refrain from making a woe-is-me journal entry but I will just say that a bunch of bad things that have been on the horizon are creeping up on me and I am getting scared and I am trying not to get depressed cos that only ever makes everything worse.

Worrying doesn't get you anywhere in the end, right?

I rock the styles, HARD!

2003-03-02T23:00:36Z

Sadly I may never personally get to be in a tub w/ Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee but now @ least my journal can. Dude, this is what LJ styles were made for...

I don’t care what it looks like on any body else’s computer but in IE, fully maximized w/ 800x600 resolution it is pure SEX. Sometimes I amaze even myself w/ my useless talents.

Anna Nicole tonight! YAY!

Keepin' it real

2003-03-01T12:00:42Z

Since I am still awake I am sitting here looking @ random journals. I found somebody who I think is super hot and that doesn't happen too often. But what do I do, make a comment, "yer super hot, add me to yer friends list RIGHT NOW!" Yeah like that isn't a bit retarded. Oh never mind...

In other pointless lj news, I've realized that the easiest way to get comments from me in yer jounral is to simply post pictures of the clash. Really, that is all it takes and I become comment whore. Otherwise i suck @ it.

and, and, and..... there are 21 people who list keepin' it real (and 73 people who list keeping it real) as a live journal intrest. If I was the LJ nazi they would all be sent to the ovens. Yes, yes, i know that by me actually searching for this intrest in the 1st place makes me just as sad but, please just humor me.

I should be sleeping Goddamn it!

What you pissed off cuz your dad gets more pussy than you?

2003-02-27T17:59:05Z

That John Lennon song, “Watching the Wheels Go By” was just on the radio. I love that song so much, it’s my official happy mental patient song. Like when I wanna sit home and be a recluse but I’m not depressed that is my theme song. I have a lot of theme songs depending on where my head is @, but most of the time my default theme song is a random angry G N’ R number. Axl and I are both so frequently pissed off for no real reason. Oh Axl, my brother...

Anyway, for those of you who’ve missed my posts (or not even noticed my absence) I haven’t been on the computer much cos I’ve been playin’ Mommy to da dawg,and dude it’s like a full time job! Mark’s been working lots so w/ the exception of last night she’s been here since Monday night. (She’s asleep right now that’s the only reason I have time to be on here.) I wanna go see the loser Motley Crue cover band on Friday and go out drinking on Saturday but who knows if I can cos she’ll be here. Damn now I know how the teen moms feel- ya wanna go to the mall but ya can’t cos ya got a baby, ha;P But it’s all good I dig my little helicopter (as I refer to her)

I took her to Petsmart on Tuesday and bought her all kinds of stuff, $85 of stuff:0 I think this dog has cost about $800 so far. They make some real neat-o dog fashions now. I got her a matching zebra print leash and collar (for her punk side) and a glitter leash and collar to appeal to her glam rock sensibilities. Heh, I remember when all dog stuff was either brown or black and maybe if you were lucky and you had a puppy you could find something red. Times have sure changed.

I hear more snow is coming, like 6 inches or something and all I have to say to that is, “Fuck you, suck my fucking dick!” Just like my voice mail sez;)

a beagle baby

2003-02-24T06:27:14Z

Mark got a new baby today. Her name is Priscilla after Ms. Presley. One day I hope to get a Lisa-Marie of my own to complete the duo of Elvis' favorite ladies (then all we'll need is a cat named Ann Margret too, hehe) Anyway, he took this picture of her w/ the coke can so you can she see how little she is...

I met Priscilla on Wedneday but I wasn't there today when he picked her up. Tomorrow I should be able to hang out w/ her though:) He still misses Bianca so much but for the 1st time since all this happened he sounded happy today and that is a good thing.

See I am considerate, using the cut tag for those of you who are sick of me and my never ending stream of dog posts. I actually had somebody remove me from their freinds list today. Ha, I love pissing people off w/ out even trying. Goodtimes, yo!

What do you want to do with your life? I wanna rock

2003-02-22T12:33:17Z

What is that, a Twisted Sister pin on your uniform?

Actually it’s a Hanoi Rocks pin on my sweater but it made me think of that video when I put the sweater on tonight. (It was warm enough for a sweater!) It seems I have a love affair going w/ the red arrows too; they’re like the tools of Caption Obvious.

So anyway, a large portion of me felt like sitting home and reflecting on the crappiness of my day (I had a giant argument w/ my mother), this week, my life, bullshit in general but had my little talk w/ myself (I have many little talks w/ myself) that if I wanna feel better I have to work @ it and sitting around dwelling on shit is only gonna make it harder.

I ended up going to see my favorite Guns n’ Roses ~~cover band~~ comedy troupe w/ my # 1 hooker and her *son*. I needed something silly to just forget about this week and there really isn’t anything sillier then a metal tribute band. I tried to rev myself up when I was getting ready by listening to Use Yer Illusion (the purple and turquoise one, i always get 1 & 2 confused, I’m more about colors then numbers anyway) and I was listening to that song, *So Fine* and enjoying it more then one should. It’s one of the secret gems on that album that never got it’s due. Such good stuff that if he didn’t have that slightly retarded look about him I might just pick Duff McKagan to be my latest imaginary celebrity boyfriend. (note the word imaginary, Tippy) We could sit around together and listen to Johnny Thunders and I would watch him smoke cigarettes. I didn’t make up anything else for us to do cos that mildly retarded look of his turns me off like i said. Ok, settle down, Walter Mitty.

Blah, blah. So back to the real, fake, G n’ R. It wasn’t really as amusing as usual. We ended up getting there really late cos we got stupidly lost even though we’ve been there before, Jaime and her son were feuding so there was drama there, I tried to suck down some drinks but they tasted so gross I had to subdue the gag reflex. Every time I go to that bar it’s lik they put melted plastic in as mixer, ugh, I’m getting nauseous thinking about it.

At least we got to laugh @ all the curling iron singed ‘80’s rockers and that was fun of course. Yes, I am immature and making fun of others makes me feel better, tell me something I didn’t know. The dude from the Van Halen cover band came on stage and blabbered for 9898798 years and then played a stupid song w/ fake G n’R and that got really annoying really quick. These dudes are more delusional then I am w/ my imaginary celebrity boyfriends, rapping on stage like it’s the Moscow Music Peace Festival and thinking people give a damn about what they’re saying. Yer playing in a bar. In New Jersey, for god’s sake. Guess what buddy, yer plan to be a rock star failed. That waste of time was like 2 missed GnR songs, you fuck!

Ah so yea that was that, you get the picture. It’s so late now. Time to take my *bitter pill* and go to bed. All weekend I hear is supposed to be bad flooding bullshit or something. Great! I really don't wanna sit here. Rain, rain, go away. Sitting here just makes me miserble and I am msierable enough already.

eh

2003-02-21T07:08:14Z

I'm a stubborn (Taurus) bull and I don't ever like to admit I am an ass and that I over reacted but I did. Maybe my feelings were valid (stupid but still valid in my warped brain) but the way I acted wasn't. Ok.

-------------------------------------------------------
So as I said before today sucked a bunch. I am on the mental patient sleeping scheduel so I never really went to bed last night. I made the mistake of looking @ the records form the vet today. I wish I didn't, it wasn't that they treated her badly it was just seeing the time line of everything that happened and feeling like I failed her. Oh God I can't explain it cos I feel the tears coming in my eyes again but I am just having a lot of trouble when I stop and think about stuff and end up sitting and dwelling on it like I do. I had 3 out of control crying fits today and I am not gonna have a 4th right now so I am just gonna stop. I'm sure u guys are sick of me going on and on about this everyone has been so incredibly cool I don't wanna bring u all down w/ this depressing shit everyday.

Anyway after the morning *fun* mark and I went into the city cos he had to go to the intrepid (this aircraft carrier that is now docked as a museum) to pick up lights. I'd never been there before so I met the worker mens and got a little tour. It was pretty neat seeing all the aircraft/space stuff.

We got done w/ that and he stopped @ his job and then was gonna take me home cos I gotta take flash to the vet tomorrow for his check-up and pay stupid bills of mine I should've paid already. On the way home we stopped and looked @ dogs, beagle dogs. It is probably not good since I'm so emo right now and I didn't want to but once I was there my heart started melting.

In the middle of all this he hears about grizzly leaving. That has made me even more depressed. Even though I have absolutely nothing in common w/ the guy I really like grizzly. He's the only person I know who hates more shit then I do, he's an alright guy. I don't want him to go. He's told me for so long he hates nyc/nj and his job and just wants to move out into the woods and not be around any people cos he hates people so much. I didn't think he'd do it. Sunday he said, "who will i talk to now that bianca is gone?" he loved her so much I think it has something to do w/ it.

God, I must make us all out to sound like freaks the way I tell it in here. I just don't like things to change. When good changes happen it stresses me out so all these bad changes @ once are just making me crazy. But despite all my craziness I actually went against my nature and reached out and talk about stuff tonight, to Mary Anne and Jaime(but jaime i always talk to) and it made me feel better afterwards. I have to trust people more and let them in. It's OK to trust more then 2 people I have to keep telling myself that.

When I signed on the computer before I got e-mail from one of mark's friends from philly. He took a bunch of pics of bianca around Christmas when he was out and sent a bunch as a tribute. This is one of them...

fucking wonderful

2003-02-20T19:12:02Z

ah so just when i think it can't possible get any worse it gets worse...

Grizzly got some job offer so now he's moving back to ohio. What that means is now mark is fucked for a roomate. So if u wanna live in weehwaken or u know anyone who does then leave a comment or e-mail me and i'll provide details.

My journal has now turned into a classified ad. YAY!